Living Lohan: What If Dog Was One of Us? (Episode 4)

My gosh, how much longer will this show go on?

“Living Lohan” has spent a good deal of its 4 episode run padding its half-hour with the barest threads of drama and plot. But when the most interesting and thought provoking aspect of the show is seeing Dina Lohan in the morning without makeup, it’s clear there is a limit to how much the fabric of a story can be stretched. This week, a battle over dog and a mild disagreement with a girlfriend is meant to provide us with half an hour’s entertainment. And yes, it’s as boring as you’d imagine.

Episode 4 opens with a photo shoot for dog magazine starring all 5 of the Lohan dogs. In between shots of animals getting into trash cans and stealing bread from the toaster, we have to endure more of Dina’s constant stream of whining about the invasive media: “When I was in the business, it was not like this. Your privacy was your privacy.” The amount of hypocrisy inherent in a reality TV star complaining about pervasive media is so well documented there’s little point in even calling attention to it.

Lindsay’s younger brother Michael Lohan returns home from college with his girlfriend Nina. Nina’s the kind of girl who doesn’t humiliate her gender while on reality tv: she’s rational, laid back, and lacks the mask of makeup which is de rigueur for the Lohan women. So of course, she strikes an uneasy balance with Michael’s family. After spending a day or two with the Lohans, Nina wants to go visit her family. Michael—in the typically selfish Lohan way—doesn’t understand why she would want to see her family, since this trip was all about her getting to know HIS family, and hover around HIS life. Nina defends herself calmly, but that’s hardly the kind of fireworks E! has promised us, so they drum up something resembling friction by having Ali eavesdrop, then narc to Dina about Michael and Nina’s “fight.” My gosh, I’m boring myself as I write this.

As Dina drives Nina to the train station while Michael pouts, she manages to tie the fight back to herself, Amazing Single Mom and Manager Dina Lohan and her first love who totally was killed in a car crash. OMG, she’s totally living James Joyce’s “The Dead” y’all.

The other painfully dull story arc in this week’s episode involves more selfish, self-centered behavior. Ali has decided that despite the fact her family has 5 dogs, “none of the dogs are really mine, so I want my own.” I was literally comatose with ennui as Ali pretends to get angry when Dina refuses to let her get a dog; I can practically see Dina acting out her scripted rage as stiff and inflexible as that poor-man’s-Farrah-Fawcett weave she sports. Surprise surprise, Ali goes out and buys a mini Maltese behind Dina’s back; surprise surprise, Dina is “furious and disappointed.”

Dina talks the dog issue over with Nana, the only member of the clan with any sense. Nan’s position is Dina is spoiling her children by not having a no-means-no policy. Rather than following her mother’s advice, Dina decides to give Ali a 24-hour trial period, which is laughable, because even a sociopathic child can keep a pet alive for 24 hours. Of course, after 24 hours, Ali gains a new dog. The only thing I was gained was a better understanding of why all of Dina’s children have instant gratification problems.

Similar Posts:

• “Living Lohan” Episode 9: And “Ali’s” Dreams Finally Come True
• “Living Lohan” Episode 8–Smallpox for Decency
• Living Lohan: What Happens in Vegas Stays in the Family
• Living Lohan: Tabloids, Haterade and Mommy Dearest