Living Lohan: What Happens in Vegas Stays in the Family

Vegas has a very 2003 feel to it—you know, back when George Clooney and Brad Pitt were investing in casinos and everyone and their PA was hosting some vodka party at the Palms. So when Dina uproots her family to Vegas to record Ali’s album, it feels pretty apropos. Rapidly declining family dynasty who think they’re still somebody move to a rapidly declining city filled with rapidly declining people who still think they’re somebodies. Yeah, that seems about right.

I watch Living Lohan with my entire family, in part because that is how we spend our vacations and in part because I beg them, as their loud-mouth catcalling is sometimes the only thing that makes the series bearable. And my entire family agrees the only likeable member of the Lohan family is Dina’s mother, Nana. So when the majority of this week’s episode is devoted to trying and cajoling poor Nana to join them in Vegas, we were not very happy. While I take a great deal of pleasure in watching a geriatric shoot hoops with her grandson, (in fact, watching Nana playing basketball is one of the highlights of the series, and probably my life) I cannot bare to watch her lemon-sucking daughter tell her why Nana’s too frail to stay in Long Island by herself for two weeks. It is at this moment my father shouts out, “Oh yeah? Tell me Dina, what does Nana do while you’re out whoring yourself all day?”

It’s becoming a regular feature in Living Lohan to see how Dina tells us she’s misunderstood, followed by a display of precisely that “misunderstood” characteristic. Take her being manipulative and self-centered, or maybe the accusation that she uses her family. She argues with her brother that Nana needs to go to Vegas because she, Dina Awesome-Single-Mom-and-Manager Lohan JUST CARES SO MUCH about Nana that she can’t bear to her alone. Then, in between arguments, it comes out: “She needs to go. I need help!” That’s what it really comes down to. Nana’s an old woman, she has her routines—she probably gets her McDonalds coffee and the crossword at 6am, watches Price Is Right, pays her bills, contemplates buying a ShamWow during an infomercial block. Why would she want to give that up to babysit Dina’s bratty kids? I know I wouldn’t.

The rest of the episode involves Michael’s faux-breakup with Nina. This shred of a plotline is so inconsequential I’m terribly embarrassed for everyone involved in the show. Meddling and cajoling, just like the lemon-sucker, Ali actually calls Nina and tells her Michael is really sad, so will she please drive all the way to Long Island so he can apologize? Then, no doubt at the suggestion of some E! writer or producer, Ali and Cody cook a “romantic” dinner for the two of them. There is something very disconcerting about Ali Lohan, and I hate to bring it up, because it’s unfair to rip on young girls, but her makeup is becoming such a distraction, and her personality is so bratty and ingratiating, that I really have to say something. Watching a 14-year old girl who looks 30 and acts 10 is really, really upsetting. My mother points out that Ali has circled her lips with dark liner to create blow job lips like a Bridge-and-Tunnel escort. And I have to admit, watching Allie prance around with her clown makeup and done-up hair, I get these visions of the upcoming generation which are nothing short of terrifying: a horrible future distopia full of slutty girls who get plastic surgery “for themselves” and guys who wear striped shirts and glasses indoors and NO ONE ELSE.

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