Reality Roll Call

by Lakiya Emerson

With seven couples remaining, the judges aren’t as forgiving of dancer’s ability (or inability) to capture styles outside of their own. The judges have hit the sonic overdrive button on their expectations. Tabitha and Napoleon D’Umo serve as guest judges tonight along with Simon Cowell. Simon was not actually on the panel, but Nigel was seriously channeling his musical partner’s surly snarkiness as he told more than one dancer that they needed to step up their game. There’s no opening choreography as each couple must dance two routines.

Jessica and Will open up the night with a jive, which is a 40s era African American style dance that had its roots in the jitterbug. You can Google it, but you’ve probably seen an abundance of stock footage of women being thrown up and then starting some footwork just as they land. It’s a fun style, and Will and Jessica play it well, though, once again, Will makes Jessica look like a wet noodle. Mary said they missed a lot of connections though they probably fooled a lot of people. Nigel says Will had great bounce. Jessica is told she isn’t up to par, and Nigel raises the specter of partners being switched. But, I’ll say what he didn’t—if it weren’t for being partnered with Will, Jessica would have kicked it a long time ago. But Jessica redeems herself in the second dance where they do some cool switching in and out of, flipping through, and waving one blue button down shirt. It starts off a bit dry, then becomes pretty big. Will is shirtless and at the end, Mary and Tabitha have a girlie moment over his body while Nigel asked the audience, “Who wants to dance with Will.” All the women and gay men of America stand up. Tabitha said Will has nice lines. Napoleon says that Will can fly to the top of the competition, and he points out that Jessica was holding Will down. I don’t think anyone could hold Will down, though he’s basically been carrying her throughout the competition, not because she can’t dance, but because she has little faith in her abilities. Mary called the performance “fire,” and she put them on the train. Nigel tells Jessica to stop worrying about herself and dance. Apparently they had a few meltdowns doing the week, but he told Jessica that the only thing that mattered was her performance during the night.

Comfort and Thayne are a new couple, but they have a lot of chemistry. They dance a routine from West Side Story, and they are believable enough to make me want to watch a great musical—one of the ones that were created before they became ubiquitous and phenomenally cheesy. Can I point out that one day, we’ll probably look back on today’s superhero movies with the same attitude? Tabitha, Napoleon, and Mary like their performance. Nigel was not pleased however, and took issue with their level of passion; meaning it wasn’t high enough. He said that if they’d attempted to perform their routine on Broadway, they would have been booed off the stage. Cat reminds America that their vote will determine who gets booed on this show. Comfort and Thayne’s next dance is a waltz set to some Irish-flute-sounding song. I don’t know much about waltzes, so I was a bit bored until they did a lift that made Comfort look like a pretty blue bird soaring sideways through the air. They definitely caught my attention at that point, but Tabitha wasn’t convinced. She said Thayne’s facial expressions were phony. Meanwhile, according to Mary and Nigel, Comfort has transformed from a caterpillar into a butterfly and waltzing queen, all because she took out her eyebrow piercing. At least that’s how Nigel put it. I suppose Comfort can join Clark Kent in the long line of individuals who can suddenly become spectacular by removing one accessory.

Kourtni and Matt do a hip hop routine first, and neither of them is confident. Matt mentions dusting off his solo routine. They just might have to. Their routine looks like one of those dances that the cheerleaders do at half time. Everyone’s excited because they’re dancing instead of cheering, but at the end of the day the performance is really bad. Napoleon says they were good, but if they’d been competing in a hip hop competition they wouldn’t make it very far (which is a nice way of saying they were bad). Mary basically said they she didn’t feel anything. Nigel asked for his boo upfront. Once the audience had satisfied its need to indicate its presence, Nigel said he wasn’t sure about the choreography or them. He called it hip hop on sleeping pills. Their hip hop debacle is followed by a samba. Tabitha says she’s hot and cold about them; I’m just cold. Mary says Kourtni was hot, but that together they had no chemistry. Nigel gives them a long list of technical critiques, to which, of course, the audience boos. I had to stop typing and stare at the screen in amazement when he tells the audience to stop booing. He said, “We’re trying to make people better here and if you don’t like it, then don’t come to the show.” Wow, Nigel, wow. That’s pretty gansta. It’s downright Cowellish, though I’ve never heard Simon tell people to stop coming. I’m sure someone in corporate just had a minor coronary.

The way things are looking right now, Adam Shankman may have been right when he said that Chelsea and Mark were the couple to beat. They were on point and dancing like professionals in their first performance. Tabitha points out that they have a great ability to convey a story line. Mary, after one of her annoying intros, said she loved it. Nigel said they know how to use each other. Their next routine is in ballroom and despite having a feather stuck in her mouth from her ridiculous outfit, Chelsea danced beautifully. Mary says they pulled it off, but Nigel said Mark looked uncomfortable. Mary attempts to defend Mark, but Nigel pulls another zinger from the Book of Simon 20:15, and says he really respects Mary’s opinion but that he wished she’d give it three decibels lower. Mary continues laughing, but become more and more deflated as she tries to figure out if this was a battle worth fighting. I’m sure it continued backstage, after the corporate exec with the coronary tells Nigel he’s suing him for the pain and suffering caused by fear of losing advertising dollars along with audience members.

Chelsea and Mark might be the couple to beat, but they’re not nearly as exciting, or light-hearted, or funny, as Twitchington. I’m sorry, I’m a sucker for a good laugh, and even in their corniest moments, I’m always excited to see Twitch and Kherington. Their first performance is flamenco. The costumes, which are complete with capes, are fabulous; and you can tell that the two of them were having crazy fun as the stomp around and flick the capes and look like their ready to stab the bull with a sword. Before I tell you what the judges thought, I want to take a brief moment to honor Twitch’s abs, for which there are too many words to describe and since I cannot decide on one, I’ll give you my stream of consciousness: Good gracious look at that. I need to wash my delicates. Do they still make mounds chocolates? …. I’ll spare you all the rest. Back to our regularly scheduled recap: Tabitha said that Twitch didn’t embrace his character until half way through, but that Kherington was great with the cape. Mary said the performance was just okay, but she was definitely entertained. Nigel says Twitch was wearing his shoulders like earrings and everyone agreed that Twitch didn’t come up to Kherington’s level. Twitch redeemed himself in this next number, which involved a propped up bed, roses and a number of spastic movements. It was a Mia Michaels choreography in which the two dancers are clearly trying to connect, but aren’t quite seeing eye-to-eye. So maybe Mia was trying to redeem herself after that whole smiling incident. Nigel says Twitch was committed to the dance, that the performance was believable and that he was thoroughly entertained. Twitchington gets added to his top couples list.

Kattee and Joshua have a Mia Micheals choreography first, and it is truly amazing. They are practically standing still, yet the slightest movements seem to make the biggest impression. It’s weird and phenomenal as they take two steps forward then two steps back; five steps forward and five steps back. There are more than a few hip hop moves and one movement where Joshua holds Katee while she appears to be running. It looks lie something out of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. Tabitha said they owned the stage while, Napoleon says they understand that a chorography is so much more than dancing. Mary says they haven’t missed one time. Nigel said it takes absolute concentration and strength to barely move and still convey an emotion, proving that they are one of the three or four couples who will make this season outstanding. In their next dance Joshua somehow reminds me of James Brown. All the judges are happy with their performance and Nigel points out that they have the ability to adapt to various styles

Courtney and Gev perform a hip hop routine or rather, Courtney dances hip hop while Gev does a few steps. I’d forgotten that hip hop was Gev’s style, but anyone who just started watching the show would have never known. Forget about the fact that the two of them were dancing in Timberlands, which have got to be the heaviest boots ever, but Chelsea out danced Gev hands down. The judges all point out that Courtney killed it and that Gev, who looked like he was thinking too hard, was disappointing. But what knocked me out was when Napoleon and Nigel voiced their differing opinions about Courtney’s level of ghettoness. Napoleon said she was ghetto with her moves and Nigel said she wasn’t. Never in my life would I have expected to hear anyone berate a white girl for not being ghetto enough. Times change. Their next, and final performance was a very convincing Broadway routine to New York, New York. Tabitha said she could see them dancing in the middle of rush hour traffic. Mary said they were dynamic and believable, and pointed out that they have yet to be in the bottom three. Nigel raises his snark count by saying they tend to slip under the radar, and that it might be because of their height. He finally points out that they used the stage well. Surprisingly there were no Fourth of July themes in tonight’s show. Maybe they’ll do so in the results episode, which will be airing Thursday. However, if you’re too inebriated to watch on Thursday night, come check us out on Reality Roll Call on Friday.