Reality Roll Call

I can’t believe we’re only on episode 8 of this series. I could have sworn I’ve sat through over 20 episodes of brattiness and self-indulgence. Why doesn’t Dina Lohan just kill her children on camera and get it over with? It’d be faster than the death march she’s doing now. It’s like every episode is one more step on the Lohan family Trail of Tears.

The episode opens with Dina on the phone trying to find a new producer because, OH MY GOSH GUYS SHE WAS TOTALLY RIGHT that Jeremy’s song was just too much of a “guy’s song” for Ali. Instead of Jeremy, Ali decides she wants to do another track with a sketchy, child-molester type named “Eman” (Emanuel Kiriakou). Ali prefers him because he makes her feel “comfortable with herself, and with singing”, something Jeremy didn’t do. Right, because Jeremy didn’t kowtow to her pouting and mooning, something Kiddie “E-man” Porn clearly has no problem doing. E-man. WTF—is this 1994?

Eman gives them a song he wrote about letting go of the past, and asks Ali and Dina if they can relate to the lyrics. “Boy, I can” Dina interjects. Right, because your opinion matters. I hate this woman so much—every week it’s a struggle not to throw something at my television set.

More footage of Dina at the gym, blah blah blah, hot choreographer talks to her, blah blah blah “I’m so scared I’m Dina Lohan, and everyone wants a piece of me.” I bet the producer paid the guy $50 to talk to her.

So E-man lies and tells Ali how awesome she is, even though she sucks, and she says she sucks, E-man tells her how amazing she is, so right away, he’s a way better producer than Jeremy, right? Because the roll of a producer is to baby-sit the talent—that’s my understanding. And I’m not out to make Jeremy look like the hero here; I saw his blurb in US Weekly, I know he’s a colossal tool. But I also know a brat when I see when, and Ali’s a brat.

Continuing the earlier Trail of Tears analogy, if the Lohan siblings are the Blackfoot and Navahos, and Dina is the US Army, this episode dancing becomes the equivalent of a small-pox blanket. Determined to make her daughter even more precocious and over-sexualized, Dina decides to call the choreographer Jonnis after checking out his totally sweet MySpace page. It  had spinning graphics, y’all, so it’s legit! Dina watches Jonnis dance, which is the kind of awkward popping and locking you’d see at tryouts for Step Up 2: The Streets.

Dina of course finds a way to make this tryout all about her, by dancing with Jonnis TOTALLY SPONTANEOUSLY to see how his teaching skills are. As I watch Dina to spirit fingers and jazz hands, I have to listen through gritted teeth as she says things like “I totally feel at home dancing, because I grew up on the stage.” Really Dina? Really? I was under the impression you were a two-bit Rockette and failed actress who tried to shove her dreams down the throats of her children. You’re really and truly and artist, a true-blue artist, who grew up under the limelight and everything? Gosh, I’ve been so wrong about you!

I will give her this—Dina does have great legs.

Cody decides that since he’s never seen his mom dance, he’s going to arrange a dance recital for her. While Cody Lohan is the only Lohan I don’t hate (next to Nana, natch), I’m still terribly annoyed by this bit of producer interference. There is so obviously no material for this show, and this is so clearly a painful way to drum up anything that resembles a plot arc, I’m embarrassed for the show. And as Dina feigns surprise, I feel as if the show has reached the lowest point it ever has. But hey, at least Dina’s 14-year-old daughter is there to support her in a tank top pulled up to show off her whole stomach. This, ladies and gentlemen, is how to groom your daughters for a career on “Girls Gone Wild.”

In a terribly lucky coincidence, Cody’s makeshift concert (for 20+ people you guys!!!) occurs JUST as Dina is introducing Jonnis and Ali in the lobby. So Jonnis just HAPPENS to be there to dance with Dina. I swear this episode is worth watching just to see the look on Dina’s face as she swoons and spins onstage. It’s the only bit of happiness I’ve ever seen from her—a kind of pure, self-serving happiness that can only come when an attention seeker finally gets all the attention. It was cute watching her pretending to be embarrassed/mad afterwards.

Back in the studio, E-man and Ali’s track is finally done, and her demo is done, so we get to listen to the demo, and it really and truly is terrible. Highly mediocre song, with really terrible vocal lines. And oh course, there’s an embarrassingly fake wrap party in the studio where everyone gives toasts, and Ali says she’s so grateful to her awesome and Amazing Mom and Manager. And I’m grateful that they’re leaving Vegas so I don’t have to see anymore awful Vegas people.

Back in Long Island, business as usual. Ali looks like a French child prostitute in her confessionals, and Dina’s pretending to be stressed and busy with her personal assistant in her Lindsay Lohan shrined office. More faux drama—Ali doesn’t understand the idea of ‘mixing’—a polite way of saying “making your voice good with the aid of computers.” A director wants to cast Ali in a horror movie. Dina, smirking, blows this offer out of proportion: her daughter is so brilliant you guys, she’s getting movie offers, her album is about to drop, it’s insane. Um, her album still hasn’t been picked up, it’s in the demo stage. And also, she’s been offered a bit roll in a horror movie called “Troll.” I’d hardly call that blowing up. But Dina did leave us with these wonderful words:

“Just like her older sister, you cannot control that talent.”

…yeah. Talent. That’s it.