Reality Roll Call

Last Week: Gristedes challenge: making clothing out of grocery store materials. Jerry got voted off for creating “serial killer chic,” and Kelli won for her coffee-filter-and-vacuum-bag party dress.

This week Project Runway is cashing in on the eco-friendly bandwagon. I swear, if I hear the word “green” one more time I’m going to freak out—every other ad I see on tv is for green products, every Oprah episode is on green lifestyles. I’m over it.

But clearly Heidi Klum et al isn’t over it, so this week they had a challenge where the designers could only use organic, or otherwise “green” fabrics for their designs. The designers get to choose which model they want, only after they choose, the twist is revealed: the models are going to be the clients for a cocktail dress challenge. Not only that, the models get to go out shopping for materials. Crazy! See, it’s crazy because models are stupid.

No, they’re seriously stupid. Well, not exactly stupid, so much as they’re teenage girls, which is really sort of the same thing. They all go to Mood and run towards the organic fabrics aisle. Then, in a situation which I can only describe as “too real,” one girl reaches for a hideous brown satin, so all the girls decide they want the hideous brown fabric, because then they can all be twins.

The designers are all suitably horrified when their models come back with drab, ugly satins and feathers. It’s relatively surprising, actually, as the organic fabrics were inherently no different than the non-organic versions; it’s almost like the models wanted to look like trees or hippies, or something. Poor Wesley’s model was the worst—she brought pale green and satin brown. It’s so sad: I can actually see the wheels in her head spinning as she tries to conceptualize what “green” means. Green like leaves…leaves like a tree….a tree…green and brown. Yes! That’s it!

The designers start sewing only to realize some of their models forgot zippers, some forgot to get enough fabric, and some had no idea that peach and cream satin most def do not go together (I know!). The biggest complainer is Stella, the rocker chick from Queens. Last episode she moaned like she was on her period about how her garbage bag material was “trash,” and then this week she’s freaking out because her model picked a pastel yellow satin, and what is she supposed to do if it isn’t leather? She doesn’t do stuff like this. Her designs are tough.

Favorite line: “The amount of dyes dumped into the ocean is pretty gnarly”—Emily, 27

So, the designers are falling behind way more than usual, in part because satin shows every mistake. Suede (self-described as a “bisexual Sagittarius who always refers to himself in the third person) decides he’s going to cut his satin up to make it look patchwork. Korto is having an insane paranoid moment where she thinks her fish-fin dress is too similar to Wesley’s dress. There’s something about the way Tim Gunn says “Oooooohhhh” when he realizes Korto’s darts are on the outside that is wonderfully awkward.

It’s down to the wire, but everyone finishes on time without too much drama. It turns out the guest judge is Natalie Portman, who is clearly there to support her vegan shoe line. Natalie is so tiny, it looks like she’s only half the size of Heidi Klum. I’ll give Natalie Portman this—when she talks, she doesn’t embarrass me on behalf of my gender, which is more than I can say for almost anyone else on TV.

Most of the dresses are pretty fugly: too short, and poorly sewn. Here’s the rundown:

1. Keith—yellow satin halter bubble monstrosity. She looks like a deranged Belle from “Beauty and the Beast”

1. Terri—navy dress with ruffled bodice. Absolutely beautiful. It wasn’t the most “cocktaily” dress; it was a bit more business-chic, but it deserved a spot in the top 3 for sure

1. Wesley—brown satin minidress. Oh Wesley, why would you put those beautiful ruffles right on a woman’s love handles? Why give it a flouncy bow and then hem it with a lawnmower?

1. Jerell—blue minidress with peacock feathers and keyhole neck. Probably the dress with the most unrealized potential. The neckline was truly unflattering, immodest, and impractical, but the skirt had a wonderful bit of lacework paneling and the feather trim was fun

1. Jennifer—orange and grey draping. Could have been a Rami creation

1. Daniel—black babydoll with cap sleeves. Material was cheap, but the design was spot on, if a bit conservative

1. Joe—Brown satin knee-length dress with diamond cut out. This is so banal, so Jersey prom, I’m embarrassed for him

1. Suede—yellow satin banding with ballerina skirt. Looks completely fun, flirty, yet a bit punk. I have no idea where he pulled this dress out of, but I kind of want it

1. Kenley—yellow satin tube sheath with large ruffled collar. Although I think I remember season 3’s Laura attempting to do the starched collar, I have to say this looks pretty classy

1. Kelli—Blue and yellow dress with yellow ruffled mini-vest. Not the best fit, but a few drafts away from being something very exciting

1. Leanne—Brown satin minidres, this one with loops. Almost awesome, but ended up being busy and cheap. I appreciate her attempt to make something new and modern, however

1. Stella—yellow asymmetrical minidress with lace-up sides. I took one look at this and instantly thought of Tia Carre in “Wayne’s World.” And not in a good way

1. Blayne—hot pink minidress with large collar and black panels. The wide collar makes it awesome for me, even while the black panel makes the dress look a bit early ’90s

1. Emily—White bodice with braiding, navy skirt. I don’t know if this even qualifies as a dress. It’s so short, I feel like “shirt” is more appropriate. Cute and non-threatening

1. Korto—yellow strapless minidress with fins. I feel if Korto had kept her darts an inch or shorter, the dress would have been a hit. Having two huge flapping fins can’t help

So the designers in the bottom 3 end up being Korto, Leanne, and Wesley. They’re all crying, which was terrible to see. Don’t cry kids! Don’t let Michael Kors make you feel bad about yourselves!

The top 3 were: Kenley, Stella (inexplicably!), and Suede. Both Natalie Portman and Heidi both agreed Suede’s was the most fun and flirty, so Suede ended up winning. Leanne and Wesley were in the bottom 2 because, as Nina summed up, “shiny, tight, and short is the quickest way to look cheap.” Eventually, while Leanne’s was considered overworked, it was at least acknowledged she was trying to do something new, so Wesley was sent home.