Reality Roll Call

Last week on Project Runway:

Natalie Portman and the “green” challenge with organic fabric; Suede ended up winning for his punk ballerina dress, and Wesley was sent home despite his amazing shorts.

This week:

So I totally read that Daniel has hooked up with the now-auffed Wesley, which kind of makes me wish Wesley had lasted longer so I could watch the sexual tension.

The challenge isn’t announced right away; the designers are promised a night out with Tim to “unwind.” And if Top Chef Project Runway has taught me anything, a night out on the town is usually code for “surprise challenge.” It’s raining and everyone is in ponchos, and rather than take them to a park or a club, Tim loads the miserable herd onto a double-decker bus. The challenge is to design a look inspired by New York at night, so Tim plays guide to a sort of Magical Mystery Tour. Only rather than a bus full of joyful Liverpool musicians, everyone on this bus is wet and cold and not all that happy to be there.

The bus makes four stops, and at each stop, a group of designers is dropped off with cameras to document their inspiration. The first drop off is Suede, Daniel, Leanne, and Jennifer at Columbus Circle. The next stop is Time Square, and Blayne, Keith, Stella, and Kenley disembark. Korto, Kelly, and Joe get off at the New York Public Library. Terri, Emily, and Jerell totally score with Greenwich Village. I feel bad for the Library group—there isn’t a whole lot of activity that happens in Bryant Park at night.

Stella’s whining is getting worse. She can’t figure out how the turn on her camera or zoom or review her pictures. This kind of incompetence is exasperating in this day and age. Even my mom can text message; don’t try to act like because you’re over-40 you can’t work a digital camera. Keith confesses that he’s from a Mormon family, which of course doesn’t surprise me. I’m Mormon, and we can totally smell are own: it’s all in the face. Mormons have the most generically Caucasian faces ever. Keith can try butching up with tattoos all he wants—I knew he was part of the tribe.

After a trip to Mood, the designers return to Parsons to begin to sew. I’m kind of excited by the possibilities—flicks of light, a clock face, an old magazine. Stella’s hammering grommets like it’s all-you-can-eat crab night at Red Lobster. I love watching her in the confessionals: her outfits are progressively becoming more leather-daddy, with ever-growing numbers of studs, tassels, and leather accessories. I’m thinking of creating my own drinking game where you take a shot every time Stella says “I’m into letha.’”

The one who seems to be in the most trouble halfway through is Jennifer, who’s dress looks very Florida-retirement-community, and Emily, who looks like she’s created a drag queen costume. Blayne tries to teach a befuddled Tim Gunn what “Holla at cha’ boy” means. Looking skeptical, Tim repeats it in a typically old-codger way: “Holler at your boy?” Everyone shouts out, “No, holl-ah. Hollah. H-O-L-L-A. Holla at cha’ boy.” Watching Tim Gunn try to use it as he leaves (“Make it work, people, holla at your boy”) is like being back in high school and hearing my father use “dawg” for the first time.

Keith’s model dropped out of the competition, so he has to use the model that was eliminated. He starts freaking out because he has to refit the whole dress, but it looks like a shift dress with some fabric bits stuck to it. What’s to refit? I think he just likes creating needless crisis. That’s how you get ulcers, Keith. Not good.

Onto the runway challenge!

1) Keith

Inspiration: Torn up magazine

Dress: White shift with hundreds of pale leaves of fabric fluttering about

2) Blayne

Inspiration: Rainbow flag

Dress: Black, long sleeve dress with a rainbow corsage of fabric knots

3) Joe

Inspiration: Lantern

Dress: Carmel bustier with black banding and a short, black pencil skirt

4) Emily

Inspiration: Flashes of Light

Dress: Black tank dress with a snake-like corsage of hot pink and orange chiffon

5) Leanne

Inspiration: Tree Grate

Dress: A gorgeous grey and black tiered skirt with a black tank

6) Jennifer

Inspiration: clock face

Dress: A billowy purple satin dress with cream accents

7) Jerell

Inspiration: Public fountain

Dress: a multi-tiered pale green gown with olive ruffled train

Kelli

Inspiration: Fire hydrant

Dress: A Japanese goth-punk creation with webbed top, brocade bodice, and dull satin skirt

9) Daniel

Inspiration: Shadow on wet pavement

Dress: Asymmetrical silver party dress with gold accents

10) Kenley

Inspiration: Tiled Wall

Dress: A green and purple printed frock with purple gauze bubble skirt

11) Suede

Inspiration: Light squiggles

Dress: A dove-colored sleeveless shirt dress with gold studs

12) Stella

Inspiration: Horse blinders

Dress: Not a dress, a metallic-pink leather vest with pale brown leather lace up pants.

13) Korto

Inspiration: Spiral masonry

Dress: Black flowing pantsuit with round cloth collar 1

4) Terri Stevens

Inspiration: Graffiti

Dress: A backless blue-print dress with princess sleeves over black pants

So the following designers are asked to stay on stage so the judges can ask them some questions: Keith, Kenley, Emily ,Terri, Jennifer, Leanne. Tonight’s guest judge is Sandra Bernhardt, though heaven knows why, as she has one of the worst senses of fashion I’ve ever seen.

The judges seem divided on Kenley’s “power bitch” dress. They rip on Keith for choosing white fabric, which makes it look like “toilet paper caught in a windstorm.” Terri’s dress, which I thought was grotesque, got some high points for having “attitude.” Emily’s dress was brushed off as being too “cha-cha,” though I found it interesting that Blayne’s dress, which was virtually identical, escaped the chopping block. It plays right into my conspiracy theory that Heidi Klum is out to destroy all the young, hot female designers so she will stay the prettiest woman on camera. Leanne’s immaculate dress was so perfect the judges had few things to add outside of an acknowledgement of its perfection. Jennifer’s dress—of which I had such high hopes—ends up looking old and ugly. Her claims to surrealism weren’t evident anywhere.

The judges deliberate, and give the win to Kenley, even though the dress looks like lawn chair fabric raped her model. I seriously do not get these judges. Emily ended up being voted off for the awkward ruffle, but she took it like a champ.