McKey Wins ANTM

McKey has taken the top slot in Cycle 11 of America’s Next Top Model. Though her celebration was certainly not as memorable as Danielle’s when she won cycle 6, McKey did still manage the Olympian feat of picking Tyra up.  Tyra did her best to make it look fierce. McKey beat out Analeigh and Samantha, neither of whom were able to convey the complete high fashion and commercial package as well as the winner. Where McKey managed to look high fashion in person and on paper, Analeigh was always too sweet looking for high fashion (though she had a fabulous body) and Samantha looked too commercial in person(though she managed to look high fashion on paper).

Their first challenge when the show opened was to do a Covergirl commercial for some new lipgloss.  They had to memorize their lines and at the end, kiss a guy. McKey managed to give the best of a series of mediocre to bad performances. Analiegh’s nerves got the best of her. Where in the last Covergirl commercial challenge, she was easy and breezy, in the final episode she forgot all her lines and Mr. Jay had to feed them to her. Samantha was stiff, and almost looked like a Cindy Mccainbot. It wasn’t pretty. They had to give their best commerial headshot in the Covergirl photoshoot that folllowed. The photographer said Analiegh had a great body, but a not so great face. Mind you, Analeigh is gorgeous, and if she is considered unphotogenic, well. I’ll never take another picture of myself again. Tyra told Samantha that her smile was not modelesque. I guess that meant she doesn’t do commecial well. Everyone loved McKey’s very sweet gamine-like shot and Analiegh was sent home while McKey and Samantha prepared for a walk-off.

Before the fashion show that would determine their fate, the two girls did a photoshoot with Seventeen magazine where the director said this cycle’s winner would be a hard decision to make. Indeed as the girls posed away, and later when they walked the longest runway in ANTM history during the fashion show, it was not clear who would win. Mr. Jay outdid himself in creating this cycle’s confectionary pink runway, which he called his Willie Wonka design. With hills, and steps and winding ways, it reminded me of something out of The Cat In the Hat.

The first hill was so high that the models had to run up it to get to the top. it was interesting to watch. During their turns on the runway, McKey was all cool girl attitude while Samantha was all glamourous grace. It was a battle between dark and light, and in the panel as the judges reviewed the two models’ bodies of work, you could all see them trying to figure out who was better. Based off photos alone it was a tough sell, and for some reason I imagined them doing Paper, Rock, Scissors to determine the winner. But in the end, Samantha, who apparently took a lot of imaginiation to sell in person lost out to McKey’s immediate shining qualities.

Onward to cycle 12.

America’s Next Top Model: The New Marjorie

In this week’s episode of America’s Next Top Model, Marjorie took Tyra’s critique of her maddening twitchiness to heart and decided to relax, have fun and let out the new Marjorie. But this girl wasn’t necessarily more likable, or more interesting, she was just slightly calmer, though not less nerve-wracking. The other models watched her with an air of trepidation, unsure of whether to accept her or hide the kitchen knives.

The first challenge of the evening involved a bit of spit-swapping with the incredibly hot top male model Mark Van der Loo. A local agency was casting for a commercial where a girl who is running along the street  finds herself being followed and ogled by an incredibly handsome guy. Turning the idea of the romantic chase on its head, she stops her jog to kiss him. The prize for the most believable performance? A $10,000 shopping spree. The girls lick their lips in anticipation and prepare themselves to give America’s next top kiss. Samantha gives her best flirtation in a romantic comedy  kiss and Analiegh is sweet but I think there was a little bit of saliva string a la Cruel Intentions. McKey was flinchingly awkward which is usually Marjorie’s domain, but instead the new Marjorie came off as weird and slightly psychotic. The judges loved her saying she was the most natural and she won the challenge.  Since when did weird, scary random kisses come off as natural and believable? Even Mark looked like he wanted to run away.

Back at the house, new Marjorie decides to invite the guys who drove them around in boats during the last challenge to the house. They come bearing offerings of pizza and liquor. Few of the girls drank, besides Marjorie, and while the evening began with a bit of charades, it eventually fell into a McKey wrestling with one of the guys, Samantha and another guy do magic tricks in the kitchen and Analeigh and Marjorie making one of the guys put on a pair of high heels and play drunken cat walk. Unsatisfied with these developments, and noticing that Marjorie’s inhibitions had taken a rain check on the evening, one of the guys decided that it was time for the ritual drunken playing of truth or dare. He dared Marjorie to kiss one of the guys to which she obliged with a bit too much gusto. By the end of the night, she and the guy, end up in the jacuzzi. She fully clothed, and he in his boxer shorts trying to convince her to marry him.

Analeigh had enough at that point and decided that things had gone way too far, she, with the help of the other girls kicked the guys out and put new Marjorie to bed.

But new Marjorie was determined to hang on, and she made her way to the photoshoot that followed. The models had to wear clogs with some high fashion outfits in front of a windmill. Analiegh and McKey were excellent while Samantha was so uncomfortable in the shoes that all her pictures were horrendous except for the last 7-10 frames when Mr. Jay gave her a verbal slap. Marjorie was just completely uninspiring, and Mr. Jay asked her what the hell she was doing, which was basically not much of anything. She stood, she slumped slightly but barely posed. In bringing out this new, less spastic Marjorie, the girl lost all of her charm. The judges noticed, and she was sent home.

ANTM: Go Sees

After a slew of go-sees and a shoot with Tyra Banks, four models remain on America’s Next Top Model. During the go-sees they are judged by their portfolio, runway walk, appearance and personality. Samantha visits the Marlies-Dekkers studio first, and the designer quickly pegs her as too commercial, saying she wouldn’t use her in a show. In fact, Marlies-Dekkers is the most critical of the bunch, telling Elina that her tattoos were troubling and asking Marjorie to relax and stand-up straight. Marjorie was the most painful to watch. In the four hours they had to visit five designers and get back to the modeling agency, Marjorie was only able to find two, and with the two she finds she’s a ball of nerves. When she visits Hans Ubbink the most he says to her is, “thank you, goodbye.” I didn’t think it was possible for the girl to be any more deflated then she already is, but she managed to shrink like a raisin in the sun.

On the other hand, perpetually confident Elina was blind to the fact that the designers weren’t too keen on her either. She ran to Mark Visser’s studio, but he was not thrilled at her enthusiasm—she was sweating. He says, “Now she’s sweating up my clothes.” It was funny to here him try, as politely as possible, to tell her to take off his dress. The designers loved McKey. Monique Collingnon said she’d look stunning in a show and all the other designers nearly trembled in adulation as soon as they saw her face at the door. Analiegh was also well-liked, and Hans Ubbink said she was great.

The girls have to return to the modeling agency where they received their assignments by 5 pm or they’ll be disqualified from winning the challenge prize. Everyone arrives on time except McKey, who, if she had not been disqualified would have won the challenge. In the end Analeigh won $18,000 worth of jewelry and clothing from the five designers. McKey was disappointed but took it in stride. On the other hand Elina, who was not very popular among the designers, commented that Analiegh shouldn’t have won, it should have been herself or McKey.

Back at the house, the girl’s clue to their photo shoot insinuated that they should be prepare to bare all. Samantha was relieved to find out that they wouldn’t actually be naked, but that Tyra would be taking pictures of them without make-up. During the shoot, Tyra said she didn’t enjoy shooting Marjorie because she was so twitchy; Elina kept losing her pose because she was trying so hard; Analeigh, though pretty, definitely needs make-up in order to photograph well; McKey bends herself backwards, using her signature pose to great effect; and Samantha does a good job as well.

Panel high-jinks include Ms. Jay making Elina take off her shirt, which paled in comparison to last week when he took off his pants and threw them at Samantha. In the end though, Marjorie and Elina are in the bottom two with Elina’s controlled over-confidence trumping Marjorie’s twitchyness.

America’s Next Top Amazing Model Race

If you’re still undecided about the presidential race and chose to exercise your intellectual muscles by watching Barack Obama’s prime-time special, you need not worry about having missed your favorite brain musher America’s Next Top Model. Since I’ve already voted, I watched ANTM for you. Last night, the Tyraettes arrived in Amstardam to be greeted by Holland’s Next Top Model host Daphne Deckers. (Sidebar: It’s amazing how the Top Model series is compelling even when you can’t understand what the judges are saying.)

Deckers tells the girls that they will be placed in groups of two and that the first challenge is to find their house using a variety of clues. The concept is ripped straight from the Amazing Race, but fun nonetheless as the girls take a train, a cab and ask for directions to get to their house. The first couple to arrive will get 50 extra frames during their photo shoot. Samantha is unhappily grouped with Elina, but the thought of 50 extra frames keeps her on task. They are the first to arrive. Meanwhile Marjorie hilariously tries to buy a train ticket with US dollars, and Sheena, thinking she and McKey had won the challenge, does a victory lap only to find out that they are actually the last to arrive.

 

After they get all settled in their gorgeous temporary home, they are whisked off to the red light district, where real live legal prostitutes stand in windows selling their wares. The girls find out that their next challenge is to stand in these same windows selling garments. It’s a political/fashion statement of some local fashion designers. Elina says she respects prostitutes and is excited about the challenge, while Samantha is full of apprehension.

 

The girls are once again coupled off into groups of two: Sheena with Marjorie; Elina with Analeigh; and Samantha with McKey. Elina and Analeigh are first. They’re standing in two seperate windows wearing these huge white confectionery type dresses by the same designer. Elina is at her best and the designer is pleased with her effort, though he does find her a bit too controlled. On the other hand. Analeigh is so busy trying to sepereate her dress from some silver things that are hanging from the ceiling that she practically forgets to pose.

 

Sheena and Marjorie are wearing very edgy dresses and the designer asks them to portray rock and roll type fierceness. Marjorie is amazing as usual, twisting her body into all types of hunchbacked weirdness with matching facial expressions while Sheena manages to just look like a prostitute. Samantha and McKey were the only two models who were actually in one window together. Their designer asked them to portray dolls and Samantha captures the directions wonderfully, looking as porcelain as the doll she is holding. McKey, on the other hand, was just okay, but the two girls managed to win the challenge, because they worked together, and synchronized their posing. What did they win? They’ll be modeling in Amsterdam’s Fashion Week, which is the biggest fashion event in Holland.

Back at the house Elina and Samantha, who had worked so well toghether in the first challenge fall out again over whether prostitution is a respectable profession. I’m sure they can petition Tyra to do a show about it, but I think she already did. McKey later says that Elina is ugly from the inside out.

The girls’ are sent to Amsterdam’s harbor, where the obsessively orange Jay Manuel gives them a quick history lesson abour Amsterdam’s shipping past. He tells them that their next  photo shoot wlll be on a boat where they will be wearing mid-century style clothing with a modern twist. Andy Tan is their photographer.

 

McKey, who goes up first, is intent on getting herself out of the middle. She is wearing all black and experimenting with her poses to find the most compelling one. Mr. Jay notices the difference in her passion.  Elina’ s shoot ran like a Verizon commercial. she was is thinking so hard about how to create the perfect shot, she doesn’t hear Jay giving her direction. So, he repeatedly has to ask her, “Elina, can you hear me?” Analeigh who could never channel her skater training without doing literal poses, finally finds the balance between being a model and a skater. Jay is impressed. Marjorie continues to use her signature hunchback pose to great effect. Samantha is a bit boring, and Sheena, no matter how hard she tries, still cannot jettison her inner hooch. She straddles  a pole and Jay stops the shoot to tell her that she’s not being ladylike.

In the end, McKey’s desire to move out the middle gets her the first photo, Analeigh’s ability to find balance gets her the second photo while Elina’s controlling nature and Sheena’s inability to control her nature land them both in the bottom two. Elina wins on the strength of being able to take better photos.

 

America’s Next Top Model Axis of Evil

This week’s episode of America’s Next Top Model opens with a model war that is falling out on continental lines–it’s the U.S. versus Europe, with all the American models supposedly tired of the whining and complaining of the two European models (Elina and Marjorie).  What are they whining about? Everything. Twitchy, uncomfortable Marjorie can’t understand the concept of optimism, while Elina who hates her mother and wants to ban the use of all animal products, and maybe eventually take over the world, can’t get over her need to control her own every movement, which she says has to do with her European background. In fact the two have a very Pinky and the Brain quality about them–of course minus the joy. Perpetually sunny Samantha and Sheena are the most flumoxed by it all and at one point Sheena asks Elina (who happens to have been in the U.S. for 11 years) why she doesn’t go home if she’s so unhappy. It’s the immigration question of the ages.  In response to a clearly scripted question from producers about her feelings on Elina and Marjorie’s dissatisfaction tour, Joslyn says she doesn’t have time to worry about “immigration issues,” she’s more concerned about being kicked out this week.  And worry, she should.

In their first challenge of the evening, the girls are met with a veritable cast of fashion characters beginning with Ron and Richard Harris, the Aswirl Twins. These two delightful men show the girls how to present and sell a garment. They swirl in skirts, take them off, put them back on,  present a clutch and then surprise us with its chain handle, and make a plain ill-fitting green hat seem almost adorable. Then it’s the girl’s turn. The twins love Sheena, practically laugh at McKey, and seemed pained by Marjorie, who couldn’t even get her garment on. Once everyone has had an opportunity to practice, the colorful James St. Jamesarrives on the seen in a green head to toe bodysuit underneath a gown. He parades around a stage and a tv monitor shows that he appears to be invisible so that all that can be seen is the clothes he is wearing. The girls will be doing the same thing as invisible models for a show of duds by designer Nony Tochterman. The girls must make the clothes the star of the night, but honestly, if I’d had my way, the clothes themselves would have been invisible. They were particularly horrendous. Elena, wearing a short purple dress with one long flowing sleeve walks on the stage and waves her sleeved arm in the air. Joslyn, wearing a long purple dress that is belted at the waist, takes off her belt and shimmies it behind her neck. Sheena who has on a long red dress with tiers of ruffles can’t think of anything to do  but swirl. She looks like she might swirl off stage. Marjorie’s dress, which is long, multicolored with horizontal stripes, falls down to her waist, so on screen she looks like an half-naked invisible lady. She feels humiliated. In the end, Elina wins the challenge and her prize is a spread in the holiday accessories spread  in the December issue of Seventeen Magazine. She picks Marjorie to come along and the two have a great time.

Back at the house, the girls are seething at the fact that Elina won the prize, especialliy since apparently she doesn’t believe in Christmas. When Marjorie and Elina return, Sheena takes Elina to task, basically calling her a hypocrite and saying she didn’t deserve to do the shoot. “How can you sell something you don’t believe in,” Sheena asks. But I guess she forgot that that is the difference between mediocre and exceptional models. She then calls the girls evil.

The next day, Cycle 10 winner Whitney, shows up to tell the girls that they will be doing the now infamous Covergirl commerical. But in this year’s shoot, the girls will be using a teleprompter. Joslyn became sick on set, but still managed to give a half decent performance. Analiegh gave the best performance, looking the most natural, and moving across the set as if she knew exactly what she was doing. Marjorie’s twitchiness made her look like a chicken, which Ms. J hilariously demonstrated during the panel. Sheena  toned down her inner hood girl just a bit and managed to impress the director who said she was the best at moving across the set. Elina was controlled and cold as usual. McKey was as awkward as Marjorie. Samantha was unmemorable.

In the panel, Tyra has the girls walk in a pair of clogs and poor Samantha is the only one who falls, though she does it off stage.Tyra then tells the girls that they need to learn how to walk in clogs becasue they’ll be going to Amsterdam. The girls squeal in delight until Tyra says, “But not all of you will go.” All I could think was gee wizz, Tyra, because even my heart dropped at that one. After the judges deliberate, Analiegh gets the first photo and Sheena gets second runner up while Joslyn and Elina are the last two to be called. In the end, Joslyn’s ability to work through her illness did not win her any extra points and Elina was able to squeak by.

ANTM: Hunchbacks Get Pretty

With two girls lopped off of America’s Next Top Model last week, and seven more to go, the competition has gotten particularly fierce. The girls quietly snipe at each other, with one of them telling Analeigh she’s pretty but not model pretty. In one of their first challenges, Tyra, wearing black heels and a black leotard, coaches the girls in the art of developing a signature look or pose. Analeigh is up first and of course she tries to take advantage of her training as an ice skater, but her effort falls flat. Tyra says her poses are pretty but empty then encourages her to go for rebel ice skater, whatever that means. When Lauren Brie of the perpetual pretty picture steps up, Sheena says, “Lauren Brie is like her hair—translucent and bland.” LB feels her signature is her awkwardness, but no one can do awkward quite like Marjorie, who based her pose off of the Hunchback of Notre Dame. Whoever said hunchbacks aren’t pretty? Instead, Tyra anoints LB as a surfer chick. The result is awkward, but not in a good way.

Meanwhile, McKey, of course, captures her inner boxer with a pose that emphasizes the length of her neck by making it look as though she’s been hit by someone, albeit in a pretty way. Joslyn put some emphasis on her profile. Tyra calls Elina’s wide-legs-far-apart stance “top model of the world.” Tyra takes her love of fierceness to a whole new level with her “Fiercie Awards” theme for the photo shoot. All the girls are dressed as different kinds of actresses at an award show. Elina’s role is as an over-emotional actress. But as usual she has a hard time letting go. Mr. Jay practically walks her through her inspiration, asking her to go to her most vulnerable place, and think about what makes her feel the least confident about herself. Elina finally sheds a few tears and as she’s talking to Mr. Jay about her feelings of inadequacy as the photographer takes photos. The judges later say she still looks too controlled and that if they took her tears away she wouldn’t even look like she was crying. Tyra tells her she should have been channeling Halle Berry at the Oscars.

Lauren Brie plays an actress who falls up the stairs, but she just ends up looking like a mannequin that’s fallen over. The judges basically tell her that her photos have not improved. McKey plays the actress who thinks she’s going to win but doesn’t. Nigel loves her photos. Samantha can’t read the cue cards because she’s blinded by the lights. The judges say that her photo is great but, mostly because of the photographer and not because of her. Marjorie plays an actress who can’t get out of her dress to use the bathroom. She somehow manages to climb onto the walls of the stall and use her Hunchback of Notre Dame pose. It’s awesome and the judges think so also. Analeigh finally gets a personality with her role as an interviewer with an attitude and is commended for it. Joslyn is an actress who is wearing the same dress as another actress. The judges love her photo, which showcases her profile. She starts to cry in front of the panel after they tell her how great it is, saying she was insecure about her big nose. Tyra tells her she needs to learn how to work it. In Sheena’s photo shoot her dress is being stepped on. The judges aren’t impressed, but they don’t hate it either. In the end, Marjorie gets the first photo, and Sheena and Lauren Brie are the last to be called up. Sheena squeaks past LB on the strength of her personality.

America’s Next Top Model Episode 3: Makeovers

It’s makeover time, and tonight the girls get snipped, weaved, dyed and blow-dried to bring out their best high fashion looks. But before their scissor dates, Tyra meets with the crew to tell them about her own first makeover experience—she had to get a weave and her agency told her she needed to lose 15 pounds to work in high fashion. Tyra’s mother said no, and they ended up remaking her to go for the kind of all-American look that would snag her choice contracts with Victoria’s Secret and the cover of Sports Illustrated. Since Tyra loves a theme, she has all the girls wearing little tiaras, while she wears a large one. Then, Ms. J walks in dressed as the wicked stepmother from Snow White and gives Tyra an apple. It was a sight, and if Disney ever does a Broadway show for the classic, they should definitely call Ms. J. Tyra eats the apple and fake passes out. Then Mr. Jay shows up dressed like an overbronzed Prince Charming, awakes Tyra with a kiss, and reveals that he’s much stronger than he appears when he carries Tyra off. Read more

America’s Next Top Model Episode 2

The show opens with the girls returning to the America’s Next Top Model house from the judging panel to find Marjorie’s winning photo displayed in the entrance area, where it will hang for a week. This is Tyra’s latest “tradition.” The first Tyra mail of the evening leads the models to a posing training session with Benny Ninja and an Australian model named Bree, who has folded herself inside a box small enough to make me feel claustrophobic.

After Benny and Bree demonstrate proper posing technique, the models take their turn posing inside of a tube of sheer red fabric hanging from the ceiling. The girls try their best to make extreme poses and pretty faces, but many of the results are laughable. Benny tells Sheena that she is lost in translation and Nikeysha that she looks like she has gas. Back at the house, the girls play truth or dare, which leads to Sheena revealing all her hoochiefied capabilities, and Elina kissing Clark. Hannah is put off by all the debauchery and while they are all gathered in the hot tub, she pushes Isis, who was moving too close into her personal space. Silence reigns and the fun and games end.

Later on, Hannah, tries to explain her actions, but puts her foot down her throat instead. She tells Brittany and Sheena that she is a stereotypical white girl—i.e. she doesn’t like rap music and she doesn’t walk into a room loudly, snapping her fingers. Sheena and Brittany blink in surprise, and then tell her she needs to be more careful about how she presents herself: don’t go around a whole bunch of people of color saying those types of stereotypical things, or you might offend someone. Hannah cries.

Meanwhile, Isis injects herself with female hormones in the bathroom. The next day, the girls must practice their newfound abilities by posing with accessories designed by Tarina Tarantino (no relation to Quentin). The challenge winner will receive a handbag full of her pieces. Some of the models struggle; a lot of them copy each other. Someone held the bag by her toes, so everyone afterwards does the same thing including Nikeysha, who continues destroying her chances of becoming an ANTM by telling the judges that she needs to use the bathroom as she walks on the stage. Tarina is not amused. Sheena continues her reign as resident hooch by putting a handbag between her legs, putting one of those appendages behind her head, and then winking at the judges. Again, Tarina is not amused. In the end Elina executes a few amazing, natural poses that win her the challenge.

Back at the house, Sheena and Brittany talk about Hannah’s pronouncement of being a typical white girl with the other “ethnic” girls in the house. Apparently they’ve gotten over their shock and now just find her bizarre, and even—gasp!!—prejudice as Sheena concluded. Hannah talks to the other girls in the house telling them that if Sheena and Brittany had a problem with her statements, they should talk to her. But she was ill-prepared for when they follow her advice. Joclyn asks Hannnah if she can talk to her, and then, in front of everyone, asks her if she is racist. Hannah stutters and then gives the understatement of the year: “I can’t believe they asked me if I was racist. That’s not very nice.” Whether she is referring to being a racist or being asked about being a racist is up for interpretation. She goes and cries in the arms of another model and then later equates the question with gang violence. This girl is no longer endearing, but I can’t point out the fact that Hannah wears her ignorance on her sleeve without mentioning Kacey, who didn’t make it past the first cut. The only way I can describe Kacey is as embarrassingly confused about her identity or lack therof. She told the judges that her nickname was “white girl” (she’s black) because she has a lot of white friends and talks like a white girl. She later said she preferred hanging out with black girls because she relates to them better. This girl gave me a headache and I was exceptionally glad she didn’t make it. Between her and Hannah, there would have been more foolishness than my poor, old 18-inch television could handle. Maybe I can petition Obama and/or Palin to build a bridge to somewhere so these two can get a clue.

Tonight’s photo shoot involves hanging from a ladder that is connected to an air balloon. However, because high winds make it impossible to control the balloon, they decide to hang the ladder from a forklift and Photoshop the balloon in later. Laure Brie and Elina set the bar high and drew sighs of wonder from Mr. Jay. Sheena managed to hold on to the ladder with her butt cheeks. Nikeysha looked like she was in pain. Jocyln brought some fire. Clark was boring as was Hannah though she tried really hard. Everyone else was forgettable. In the judging panel, Tyra manages to look like a squat Japanese superhero in a kimono and black booties—they aren’t a good look for her tree trunks (caveat: I also sport a pair of tree trunks for legs, which is why I don’t wear booties). She should stick to stilettos.

Tyra asks Nikeysha about her eating habits, saying that the girl is too thin. Nikeysha says she eats everything, but the judges all agree she needs to be on a ham and grits diet because they’re going to have to Photoshop the pictures to make her look bigger. Isis’ picture is not so great, and Tyra tells her that she looks like a school girl in her outfit. Ms. J tells Sheena she looks like Victoria’s Secretions as she walks up to be judged. Paulina asks her if her breasts are real, and Sheena says yes, but five minutes later she recants the lie, saying she needed to get it off her chest and that the implants were a foolish decision from when she was young. I can’t help but like this girl, hoochieness and all. In the end, the judges decided that Laura Brie will have her photo displayed in the house for the week, but the always-chattering Nikeysha will be going home. Isis was in the bottom two and as Tyra begins reciting her “you-almost-got-kicked-off” speech, Nikeysha starts babbling about becoming an anesthesiologist and knowing that she talks too much. Tyra told her to be quiet because it was Isis’ moment. Nikeysha manages to get in a few more sentences before Tyra out and out dismisses her from the judging room. So, you all need to tell me what you think about this week’s drama. Who’s wrong, who’s right, and who knew that Clark was bi-curious despite all her protestations in last week’s episode?

ANTM CYCLE 11: The Drama Begins

ANTM is beginning to feel like visits from Aunt Flow if you know what I mean: you dread her arrival, the drama drains you dry, you rejoice when she leaves, but then you count the days to her return, fearing what it would mean if she doesn’t. And if you were anticipating the return of ANTM the way I was, you’ll know that this cycle is packing with the help of some well-placed scotch tape. I am referring to Isis, the pre-op transgendered model from my hometown of Prince George’s County, MD. She has brought the show 1/4 of a step closer to my dream cycle of an all-male cast. Though my fantasy involves some Zoolander antics with buff, swimmer’s build guys working on their best Blue Steel and crying because Mr. J cut their Calvin Klein underwear dreams short with a curt “What do you think you’re doing?”

But since that’s not happening soon, not even with Cycle 12, Isis will do. Tonight’s two-hour premiere reminded me of why I love Tyra. She doesn’t just eat ham, she is one. The new crop of would-be models arrive at what appears to be a bunker in Los Angeles (Tyra’s hometown) and they’re greeted by the J’s. Mr. J looks like an orange, frosted ken doll, with his perpetual over-tan and his hair cut longer than usual and dyed silvery gray. I think it’s the same color my grandmother uses on her hair actually.  Ms. Jay, who is wearing a white, bowl-cut wig looks like an extra from Star Trek: The Next Generation. They are both wearing white pants with silver jackets. It’s all just too much, and the girl’s scream like banshees. Inside, the models are minted as ANTM contestents with their first photo shoot. Wearing black body suits they strike their best poses. For the most part, it’s not pretty. Then they all must show the J’s their best catwalk. A really cool computer captures their walks, reduces their bodies to a series of points and then analyzes their gates. But I don’t think it was all that necessary to point out that some of these girls were going to need serious help.

When they all finish, the J’s tell them that the computer was going to use the information to create the best model, which would come out of a large machine that looked like a silver version of the one from The Fly. With some exceedingly cheesy flashes, explosions, and some edited in fireworks, out pops Tyra and I can’t help but bust out laughing when she gives the girls her best robot sounding voice complete with robot moves. It was probably one of the better welcoming ceremonies she’s had for contestants. But the kicker was when she told the girls that she was looking for a girl who was “technologically bankable.” Clearly since she only made $23 million last year, she’s not even half way near her goal of being the next Oprah.

In the first hour, we’re greeted with the bitchy girls, the unconfident girl, the gay girl, the smart dumb girl and Isis. This year’s bitch is Clark. She’s a gorgeous girl who’s in it to win it. Marjorie is the completely unconfident and insecure girl with talent for days. Nikeysha is gay and has flashed Tyra twice.  Elina is an intriguing vegan bisexual who wants to reform the world of its terrible meat-eating habits, but is already waiting for an opportunity to pounce on Clark and turn her out. Clark is not amused by this revelation. Mckey, a cage fighter, may be  the weirdest girl. Sheena is Kimora Lee Simmons’ doppleganger in looks, background and personality. Let’s hope she doesn’t run around yelling fabulosity at everyone, but she’s actually pretty likable. Joslyn tried out for the show 30 times and even though she’s 23, she might have a Lisa-problem, because she looks like she’s 30. Susan, a Harvard graduate who studied English and American literature, embarrasses herself and her school when Tyra asks her to name her favorite English heroines.  The girl draws a blank and then says she didn’t pay attention in class, while Tyra rattles off a string of heroines and books that are a part of the English literary canon. I’m sure liberal arts majors everywhere were cringing. Hannah, who grew up in Alaska without any heat, lights or electricity, might be the most endearing model on the show. Isis, who happened to have participated in a photoshoot in Cycle 10 was the last introduction and blew me away when she wore a royal blue bikini during the introductions. Though they didn’t show her walking away, I must say her tucking abilities are top-notch.

After introductions, the girls go in for the first challenge photoshoot. Wearing metallic catsuits and posing with oversized grey balls, the models had to create interesting shapes with their bodies. The photoshoot lead to five girls being cut and in the second hour the real drama began. Whispiring about Isis reaches fever pitch as the girls get settled into their L.A. digs. She politely comes over and tells them that she was born male. They ask her if she still has “it” and she says yes. They ask her if she will keep “it” and she says no. Then they ask her what she does with “it” and she tells them she uses tape. Reactions range from wow that’s cool and you’re brave, to “I can’t believe we’re competing with a man.” One girl says, “America’s Next Top Model is not going to be a drag queen.” I wonder if she’s been watching this show enough, because if she had, she’d know that Tyra IS a drag queen. Or at least has modeled herself after one. Isis takes it all in stride. Meanwhile models like Clark are threatened by her presence. Clark said Isis would get beat up in her home town if she walked around dressed as a woman. Thankfully, they’re in L.A.

During the commercial break, Tocorra, America’s Big Black Beautiful Model, is featured in a montage that highlighted the fact that she was all up and through Italian Vogue’s Black issue, which I’m so mad that I didn’t buy. It’s now selling on eBay for way too much money. Also, I saw what has to be the best My Life as A Cover Girl ever with Cycle 10 winner, Whitney.

The next day, they have their first challenge, which is to meet personally with all the judges. Ms. Jay had me rolling when he saw McKey. She was wearing a silver, glittery dress that, along with her red hair, made her look like a Christmas ornament. “All I could think was hello reindeer,” he said. Marjoree was a nervous wreck when Nigel Barker asked her who her favorite photographer was. “You?” she asked. Isis made a great impression on Nigel who said that she really had it together, though there was something odd about her. I guess he didn’t know the secret yet. From the challenge, they go to the photoshoot, which involves Tyra’s latest nearest and dearest issue–politics. Each girl must model a particular issue such as environment, immigration, or healthcare. Clark has bureocracy, which she doesn’t know the meaning of. After basically telling everyone she would never help another girl, she asks McKay what it means. McKay tells her point blank, I’m not telling you. I’m liking the weird girl. McKay, who is modeling environment, has no idea how to bring the sexy to the greenery behind her, so Mr. J told her to channel her kickboxing experience. The girl starts boxing the air. It looks ridiculous and Clark laughs, but McKey does come up with a few good pictures. Clark on the other hand stands in front of the red tape on her set and looks confused. All her beauty was for nought since she clearly didn’t understand what to do. Meanwhile Isis blows her set through the roof, despite three of the girls standing behind her telling her she needed to shave and that she was sweating like a man. It was nasty and mean, but made for good TV, especially since Isis didn’t crumble. I’m really liking this girl. Joslyn took an amazing photo, which really makes me think she might be like a Lisa, but maybe without the peeing in a diaper business. Analeigh was boring. Marjorie took a fabulous picture and ended up being called first after the judging. Nikeysha came down with foot-in-mouth syndrome judging panel and dared to talk over the judges while they were critiquing her and as hour two came to a close, one of the girls was lopped off leaving our ANTM cast to include:

Lauren
Sharaun
Nikeysha
McKey
Clark
Isis
Sheena
Elina
Analeigh
Hannah
Joslyn

Joshua Wins So You Think You Can Dance

After two hours of performances, an overabundance of kudos, and much ado about everything, Cat Deeley announced that Joshua is America’s Favorite Dancer and $1 million richer. After the show received 60 million votes, Joshua has become the first street-dancer to win. His mother was shouting (and I mean that in the Baptist sense) in the audience. Joshua tells the world to never let anybody tell you that you can’t do anything and that with God you can do everything.

The show’s producers have also added a twist where there is a top girl and a top guy. Katee wins the top girl slot and $50,000 to boot. She was exceedingly happy. So that’s all folks, the end until next year.

Some of the night’s highlights include performances of the judges’ favorite routines from the season. These included:

Courtney and Gev’s Rumba routine

Katee and Joshua’s Bollywood and Lyrical Hip Hop routines

Will and Katee’s Pas Des Deux routine

Twitch and Kherington’s Vienese Waltz

Twitch and Katee’s Contemporary routine

Then the judges decided to jump in on the action, Mary Murphy, who is not as chunky as she appears sitting behind the judges table, performed with Dmitry from Season 2 and Nigel performs a tap dance routine with dancers from the Debbie Allen School of Dance. He actually kept up with those little kids.

They also had the world’s first live-televised popping battle between Phillip Cheeb, who came down with pneumonia during auditions and couldn’t continue, and Robert Murraine, who got scared and quit. They battle to “Closer” by Kanye West. Phillip was smooth and musical, but Robert is a freak of nature who managed to make fun of Phillip’s style even while doing his own. He won hands down.

So, that’s all folks, the end, until next year.

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