ANTM CYCLE 11: The Drama Begins

ANTM is beginning to feel like visits from Aunt Flow if you know what I mean: you dread her arrival, the drama drains you dry, you rejoice when she leaves, but then you count the days to her return, fearing what it would mean if she doesn’t. And if you were anticipating the return of ANTM the way I was, you’ll know that this cycle is packing with the help of some well-placed scotch tape. I am referring to Isis, the pre-op transgendered model from my hometown of Prince George’s County, MD. She has brought the show 1/4 of a step closer to my dream cycle of an all-male cast. Though my fantasy involves some Zoolander antics with buff, swimmer’s build guys working on their best Blue Steel and crying because Mr. J cut their Calvin Klein underwear dreams short with a curt “What do you think you’re doing?”

But since that’s not happening soon, not even with Cycle 12, Isis will do. Tonight’s two-hour premiere reminded me of why I love Tyra. She doesn’t just eat ham, she is one. The new crop of would-be models arrive at what appears to be a bunker in Los Angeles (Tyra’s hometown) and they’re greeted by the J’s. Mr. J looks like an orange, frosted ken doll, with his perpetual over-tan and his hair cut longer than usual and dyed silvery gray. I think it’s the same color my grandmother uses on her hair actually.  Ms. Jay, who is wearing a white, bowl-cut wig looks like an extra from Star Trek: The Next Generation. They are both wearing white pants with silver jackets. It’s all just too much, and the girl’s scream like banshees. Inside, the models are minted as ANTM contestents with their first photo shoot. Wearing black body suits they strike their best poses. For the most part, it’s not pretty. Then they all must show the J’s their best catwalk. A really cool computer captures their walks, reduces their bodies to a series of points and then analyzes their gates. But I don’t think it was all that necessary to point out that some of these girls were going to need serious help.

When they all finish, the J’s tell them that the computer was going to use the information to create the best model, which would come out of a large machine that looked like a silver version of the one from The Fly. With some exceedingly cheesy flashes, explosions, and some edited in fireworks, out pops Tyra and I can’t help but bust out laughing when she gives the girls her best robot sounding voice complete with robot moves. It was probably one of the better welcoming ceremonies she’s had for contestants. But the kicker was when she told the girls that she was looking for a girl who was “technologically bankable.” Clearly since she only made $23 million last year, she’s not even half way near her goal of being the next Oprah.

In the first hour, we’re greeted with the bitchy girls, the unconfident girl, the gay girl, the smart dumb girl and Isis. This year’s bitch is Clark. She’s a gorgeous girl who’s in it to win it. Marjorie is the completely unconfident and insecure girl with talent for days. Nikeysha is gay and has flashed Tyra twice.  Elina is an intriguing vegan bisexual who wants to reform the world of its terrible meat-eating habits, but is already waiting for an opportunity to pounce on Clark and turn her out. Clark is not amused by this revelation. Mckey, a cage fighter, may be  the weirdest girl. Sheena is Kimora Lee Simmons’ doppleganger in looks, background and personality. Let’s hope she doesn’t run around yelling fabulosity at everyone, but she’s actually pretty likable. Joslyn tried out for the show 30 times and even though she’s 23, she might have a Lisa-problem, because she looks like she’s 30. Susan, a Harvard graduate who studied English and American literature, embarrasses herself and her school when Tyra asks her to name her favorite English heroines.  The girl draws a blank and then says she didn’t pay attention in class, while Tyra rattles off a string of heroines and books that are a part of the English literary canon. I’m sure liberal arts majors everywhere were cringing. Hannah, who grew up in Alaska without any heat, lights or electricity, might be the most endearing model on the show. Isis, who happened to have participated in a photoshoot in Cycle 10 was the last introduction and blew me away when she wore a royal blue bikini during the introductions. Though they didn’t show her walking away, I must say her tucking abilities are top-notch.

After introductions, the girls go in for the first challenge photoshoot. Wearing metallic catsuits and posing with oversized grey balls, the models had to create interesting shapes with their bodies. The photoshoot lead to five girls being cut and in the second hour the real drama began. Whispiring about Isis reaches fever pitch as the girls get settled into their L.A. digs. She politely comes over and tells them that she was born male. They ask her if she still has “it” and she says yes. They ask her if she will keep “it” and she says no. Then they ask her what she does with “it” and she tells them she uses tape. Reactions range from wow that’s cool and you’re brave, to “I can’t believe we’re competing with a man.” One girl says, “America’s Next Top Model is not going to be a drag queen.” I wonder if she’s been watching this show enough, because if she had, she’d know that Tyra IS a drag queen. Or at least has modeled herself after one. Isis takes it all in stride. Meanwhile models like Clark are threatened by her presence. Clark said Isis would get beat up in her home town if she walked around dressed as a woman. Thankfully, they’re in L.A.

During the commercial break, Tocorra, America’s Big Black Beautiful Model, is featured in a montage that highlighted the fact that she was all up and through Italian Vogue’s Black issue, which I’m so mad that I didn’t buy. It’s now selling on eBay for way too much money. Also, I saw what has to be the best My Life as A Cover Girl ever with Cycle 10 winner, Whitney.

The next day, they have their first challenge, which is to meet personally with all the judges. Ms. Jay had me rolling when he saw McKey. She was wearing a silver, glittery dress that, along with her red hair, made her look like a Christmas ornament. “All I could think was hello reindeer,” he said. Marjoree was a nervous wreck when Nigel Barker asked her who her favorite photographer was. “You?” she asked. Isis made a great impression on Nigel who said that she really had it together, though there was something odd about her. I guess he didn’t know the secret yet. From the challenge, they go to the photoshoot, which involves Tyra’s latest nearest and dearest issue–politics. Each girl must model a particular issue such as environment, immigration, or healthcare. Clark has bureocracy, which she doesn’t know the meaning of. After basically telling everyone she would never help another girl, she asks McKay what it means. McKay tells her point blank, I’m not telling you. I’m liking the weird girl. McKay, who is modeling environment, has no idea how to bring the sexy to the greenery behind her, so Mr. J told her to channel her kickboxing experience. The girl starts boxing the air. It looks ridiculous and Clark laughs, but McKey does come up with a few good pictures. Clark on the other hand stands in front of the red tape on her set and looks confused. All her beauty was for nought since she clearly didn’t understand what to do. Meanwhile Isis blows her set through the roof, despite three of the girls standing behind her telling her she needed to shave and that she was sweating like a man. It was nasty and mean, but made for good TV, especially since Isis didn’t crumble. I’m really liking this girl. Joslyn took an amazing photo, which really makes me think she might be like a Lisa, but maybe without the peeing in a diaper business. Analeigh was boring. Marjorie took a fabulous picture and ended up being called first after the judging. Nikeysha came down with foot-in-mouth syndrome judging panel and dared to talk over the judges while they were critiquing her and as hour two came to a close, one of the girls was lopped off leaving our ANTM cast to include:

Lauren
Sharaun
Nikeysha
McKey
Clark
Isis
Sheena
Elina
Analeigh
Hannah
Joslyn