Reality Roll Call

Last week on “Living Lohan” Ali leaves Vegas. After returning to Long Island, she has an offer to audition for a movie. Now we can see Dina really shine: not as a pushy music momager, but as a pushy stage mom! Hurray!

The episode starts off with a little “Just a normal family” slice-of-life shtick. We see Michael home, visiting with his girlfriend Nina. They’re hanging out in the room they share upstairs, and she’s walking around half-naked after getting out of the shower. Now, I don’t expect everyone to be as old-fashioned as me, but I will say that even the most liberal of my friends’ parents still enforce a separate-room policy for non-engaged couples. And when the kids are barely out of their teens, as is the case with Michael Lohan and company, it’s even more strange. And I suppose it wouldn’t be a big deal if Dina Lohan was a responsible mother in other ways, but to me, this whole thing smack of the kind of “I’m not a regular mom, I’m a cool mom” attitude Dina seems to adore.

This week’s episode of “Living Lohan” starts pretty typically: Ali falls and hurts her ankle, and Dina is annoyed they might miss their plane. Man, this woman is so full of maternal sympathy I tear up sometimes as I remember my own childhood.

Dina, Ali, and Cody fly in to Vegas (staying at the Plams, natch), where they almost immediately go to a party with a whole slew of music executives. Everything from Dina’s poor-man’s Farrah Fawcett hair to her minidress screams of a sort of predatory sexual competition with her daughters that seems terribly disturbing.

Ali is recording at the Palms recording studio (who knew they even had one?) in her white booty shorts and whore eyemakeup. I wanted her to have a good voice, I really did, because I don’t want to have to rip on a young girls looks AND her “talent.” But despite her good intentions, Ali is terrible. Flat and awkward and trying way too hard to be sexy at an age where I doubt she even knows what sexy is.

…or as I like to call it: “How to Raise a Train Wreck.”